How to Hook Up on a Dating App

So, you want to hook up on a dating app? Well you came to the right blog post!  

Before we outline how to get physical with someone you barely know and will probably never speak to again, it’s worth acknowledging one pesky but significant societal issue. As I write this, there’s a rather serious pandemic afoot that may affect your ability to hook up in a safe and carefree manner.

You will have to judge for yourself. It’s possible a random hookup could indirectly harm an elderly family member or neighbor with asthma, but we’re not your parent (unless my two year old is reading this) so we’ll just leave it at that. I mean geez. Are these life-threatening viruses tricky or what! 

Anyhow, we get it. You want to hook up. And we said in the blog title we’d help you do that. No finger wagging or frowny face emojis from us.

To hook up on a dating app, it’s helpful to first understand where the term “hooking up” comes from. In the fall of 1977, a fisherman by the name of Mike Cheesebro was working in Annapolis, Maryland. Mike was a confident man with broad shoulders and tight jeans. On Wednesdays, he would stroll along the docks during his lunch break and challenge others to a casting contest. Whoever (whomever?) could land their fishing lure closest to his cousin Freddy’s crab trap would win fifty cents. 

On one drizzly Wednesday, Mike was surveying the day’s competition when a strange woman approached. She had fiery red hair, a black leather skirt, and an awesome silver tackle box. Mike was instantly smitten.

“Hello Mike,” said the bold stranger. “My name is Sally Van Der Jenkins and I’ve heard you’re a betting man.” Before Mike could even open his mouth, Sally continued.

“Let’s make this interesting, shall we? If I can hook Freddy’s trap while standing on one leg, then I win a dollar. And if I miss, you win a buck thirty-five.”

Mike mulled this challenge over for a minute and agreed to the wager.

“You’re on Miss Van Der Jenkins,” Mike exclaimed. “But first, do you mind if I give you a kiss? You’re just so freaking hot and stuff.”

“Yeah whatever,” Sally replied.

And just like that, Mike Cheesebro and Sally Van Der Jenkins started making out. It was vigorous and sloppy. Tongues lashed about like deranged minnows. This eventually led to some heavy petting, at which point Mike let go of his fishing rod. As the rod fell to the dock, the hook swung about and snagged itself on Sally’s skirt. Mike and Sally were too busy to even notice.    

A nearby teenager, who happened to witness the entire affair (while peeking over the top of his comic book), later told his brother about this wild series of events. His brother then shared this story with someone in gym class who would, many years later, start an Internet website known for coining urban lingo.  

Ok where were we? Oh right, how to hook up on a dating app.

Hmm, I gotta be honest with you. I’m starting to think this blog post is a real piece of garbage. In fact, I’m out. Apologies if you feel misled. Sucks for me too as I’m pretty sure I won’t get paid for this.

At this point, might as well steer you towards another dating app that I feel pretty good about. It’s called heybaby and it’s for people who want kids someday or have kids now. More about starting a family, less about getting some stankie on the hang down.  

And with that, I will say goodbye, take care, and be safe out there!

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